8 THINGS YOU MUST DO IF YOU WORK WITH A TOXIC PERSON

Working with a toxic person is exhausting and stressful.  Toxic people or Narcissists, only care about getting what they want and do not care about anyone else.  They lack empathy and despite their entitled disposition, are deeply insecure.  They are vindictive, they take advantage of others, and to say they are selfish would be an understatement.   They are often in positions of leadership as their self-serving, exaggerated confidence enables them to do whatever is needed to move up the ranks.  Many are attractive, charismatic, successful, and often hard to identify.

Working with a narcissist can be threatening to your health because of the enormous amount of stress they create.  They may choose one or two people to play their games with or it may become apparent to all.  They will have you questioning your sanity, abilities, and overall worth.  Victims of their treatment find themselves mentally and emotionally exhausted due to constant ruminating about why a person would do the things they do.  If it goes on long enough, the receiver will begin to spiral downward losing their confidence, drive, and overall happiness.  This stress factor brings physical health issues as well, after all, we store emotional pain inside of our bodies.  

According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM-5), almost 1 in every 10 people out there are without conscience or lacking empathy.  Approximately 6 of those 10 actually have NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Chances are you have and will deal with a narcissist at some point in your life.  If you haven’t experienced a narcissist family member, you may have one as a “friend”, or work with one.  

It’s important to be aware and educate yourself on how to identify and deal with Narcissists.  If you work with one it can be a delicate dance because, in addition to their obsession with their reputation, a narcissist will also be motivated by their income ability.  Anyone that appears to have figured them out, or won’t allow themselves to be played any longer will be viewed as a threat.  When a narcissist feels threatened, they move to destroy.  When they realize you have figured them out they will hurt you with smear campaigns and sabotage.  This sounds dramatic and hard to imagine in the typical office, but it happens every day.  

Here are some tactical suggestions on how to deal with a Narcissist in the workplace:

1. Don’t call them a Narcissist.  For the reasons mentioned above, it is best not to be viewed as a threat. Use your knowledge of their personality to navigate carefully.  
2. Set boundaries.  Set realistic boundaries that you will consistently adhere to.  Remember, narcissists take advantage of others, they do not respect boundaries, nor do they feel bad about doing so.  
3. Don’t share too much with them.  Narcissists use everything you tell them against you later.  It is normal to share about your life with coworkers, however, it is not a bonding experience for the narcissist, it is a gathering of ammunition to be used on you later.  Communicate with them in vague small talk and as little as possible.  Do so in writing if you are able.
4. Don’t feed the Narcissist.  Narcissists are empty and feed off of others.  One way they feed is to provoke you to react, whether positive or negative, your reaction shows the narcissist they matter.  It is a sad truth about their state.  They are nothing unless they are causing others to react or being admired by them.  Don’t react, just calmly respond.
5. Don’t argue with a narcissist.  You will never win.  Narcissists love to argue and will never back down.  They make up lies and then believe their own lies making them all the more convincing.  They are so good at it that even if you were a witness to the truth, you will begin to question your own memory.  Keep records of everything, in case you later need it.
6. Detach from what you would rationally like to respond with.  Narcissists are not rational, they are self-serving and will say or do anything to get what they want.  Don’t allow them to get under your skin and stay focused on what’s important.
7. Don’t gossip about the Narcissist.  As tempting as it is to vent to coworkers about the irrational treatment you receive from the narcissist, be very careful with whom you talk about them.  The narcissist may later decide to make them one of their “flying monkeys” to destroy your reputation at work. They could unknowingly make things worse for you.  Bringing issues about a narcissist to HR may seem like the right thing to do, but think this through very carefully first.  If HR talks to the narcissist about your concerns, you will now be viewed as a target.  
8. Learn as much as you can about Narcissistic behavior so that you can be prepared and know what you are dealing with.

As discouraging as it sounds, you must arm yourself with knowledge and care when dealing with a narcissist.  In the workplace, it is very difficult, and depending on their position, you may eventually decide it is best to move on.  It is unfair that this is sometimes the best solution, however, it is a solution.  Narcissists have been known to attempt to ruin others' careers in their own best interest.  I hope this was enlightening and helpful.