8 Things You Must Do If You Work With a Narcissist

Working with a toxic person is exhausting. It is also stressful in a way that follows you home.

Toxic people, including those with strong narcissistic patterns, are oriented around getting what they want. Empathy is thin. Entitlement is loud. Underneath, they are often deeply insecure. They can be vindictive, they take advantage of others, and calling them selfish would be an understatement. Many land in leadership because exaggerated confidence helps them climb. Plenty are attractive, charismatic, successful, and hard to identify at first.

Working with a narcissist can threaten your health because of the stress they create. They may choose one or two people to play their games with, or the pattern may become obvious to everyone. They will have you questioning your sanity, your abilities, and your worth. Victims of that treatment end up mentally and emotionally exhausted from rumination: why would a person do this? If it goes on long enough, confidence, drive, and happiness start to spiral. The body keeps the score, too. Emotional pain does not stay in the mind.

Chances are you have already dealt with someone like this, or you will. If it was not a family member, it may be a "friend," or a colleague.

Why the workplace makes this a delicate dance

A narcissist is often obsessed with reputation and with income. Anyone who appears to have figured them out, or who will no longer be played, gets filed as a threat. When a narcissist feels threatened, they move to destroy. Smear campaigns. Sabotage. It sounds dramatic for a typical office. It happens every day.

Awareness is not paranoia. It is protection.

8 tactical things to do if you work with a narcissist

1. Do not call them a narcissist. For the reasons above, it is best not to be viewed as a threat. Use your knowledge of the pattern to navigate carefully. Naming it out loud, especially to them, rarely helps you.
2. Set boundaries. Choose realistic boundaries you will actually keep. Remember: narcissists take advantage. They do not respect boundaries, and they do not feel bad about crossing them. Consistency still matters, because it protects you even when it does not convert them.
3. Do not share too much. Narcissists use what you tell them against you later. Sharing your life with coworkers can be normal bonding. With a narcissist, it is ammunition gathering. Keep communication to vague small talk, and as little as possible. Do it in writing when you can.
4. Do not feed the narcissist. They are empty and feed off others. One way they feed is by provoking a reaction, positive or negative. Your reaction shows them they matter. Sad, and true. They feel like someone when they are causing a stir or collecting admiration. Do not react. Calmly respond.
5. Do not argue. You will not win. Narcissists love to argue and will not back down. They make up lies and then believe their own lies, which makes them more convincing. They are so good at it that even if you witnessed the truth, you can start questioning your memory. Keep records of everything, in case you later need them.
6. Detach from the response you would rationally like to give. Narcissists are not rational. They are self-serving, and they will say or do what it takes. Do not let them get under your skin. Stay focused on what actually matters for your work and your well-being.
7. Do not gossip about them. Venting to coworkers is tempting. Be very careful whom you talk to. The narcissist may later turn that person into a "flying monkey" and use them to damage your reputation. They could make things worse without meaning to. Bringing the issue to HR can seem like the right move. Think it through carefully first. If HR talks to the narcissist about your concerns, you may now be viewed as a target.
8. Learn as much as you can about narcissistic behavior so you can be prepared and know what you are dealing with. Knowledge will not make them kind. It can keep you from abandoning yourself.

A hard, honest closing

As discouraging as it sounds, you have to arm yourself with knowledge and care. In the workplace it is difficult. Depending on their position, you may eventually decide it is best to move on. It is unfair that this is sometimes the wisest solution. It is still a solution. Narcissists have been known to try to ruin other people's careers in their own interest.

I hope this was clarifying. You are not imagining the stress. You are not "too sensitive." You are responding to a dynamic that was never designed to be fair.

Building and maintaining self-love and confidence is an ongoing journey. To begin working with me, just click here.