Why You Break Promises to Yourself (and 3 Ways to Start Keeping Them)

With a new year approaching, many of you will want a fresh start toward the changes you have been craving. It seems like the perfect time, right? Here is the less glamorous news: the majority of New Year's resolutions fail in the first 30 days.

There are many reasons we do not keep commitments to ourselves. These are the most common, followed by three things you must do if you want a better shot at success.

Mindset

You have heard the stories: most lottery winners are broke within a few years of winning millions. They had the mindset of someone without money. A scarcity mindset does not know how to live any other life than scarcity.

So you can see the setup. Deciding you will live with new habits that conflict with your former lifestyle and unconscious belief systems is a recipe for failure if you skip the inner work.

Many success coaches talk about knowing your "why." True. And before the why can stick, you need to know yourself.

"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom." ~ Socrates

Socrates was right. Getting real about who you are lets you acknowledge the past experiences that tint the lens through which you view life. To adopt the right mindset, you first have to understand the mindset you currently hold.

If you were repairing a leak in your roof, you would not slap a universal patch over the drip and call it done. You would find out what type of damage was done, how far the leak had traveled, and whether there was mold. Then you would know what repair was actually needed. Cover the leak and it may look fine for a while. Underneath, it gets worse. The new patch fails.

It is the same with you. Know what you are working with before you set off toward the new and improved you. Then you can identify your "why."

Timing

Starting something new and challenging requires passionate dedication.

"We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing." ~ Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Do you know that feeling when you have finally had it, and there is no going back because you have hit your limit? That is a powerful place to be if you want to make big changes.

Unrealistic goals

Be realistic. For heaven's sake, set yourself up for success, not disappointment. Sit down and look at what it would take to reach the goal. Apply the steps to your daily life. Be honest about whether you could push yourself consistently, for the long term, to get there.

"If something is irrational, that means it won't work. It's usually unrealistic." ~ Albert Ellis

Too vague and unmeasurable

How many times have you heard someone say they wanted to "get healthy," "lose weight," or "have more fun" in the new year? But what does that mean? There is no way to know when they got there, so the wish fades into the background. Often that leftover thought festers as "another personal failure," which eats confidence and self-esteem like weeds in a garden.

"Vagueness and good law are simply incompatible." ~ Gina Miller

Be specific about the result, so you will know when you get there. You will also build confidence when you do.

No support system

If you are fortunate enough to have people who will support you, use that encouragement. If you do not, use the lack of it as motivation rather than a verdict.

"If you can't tolerate critics, don't do anything new or interesting." ~ Jeff Bezos

Plan ahead for the lack of support and decide how you are going to view it. Be mentally ready for criticism. Expect it, and you control how it affects you.

Three ways to better keep your promises to yourself

1. Understand why you have not done it already. This goes with knowing yourself. Do the inner work to peel away the blocks and old, unconscious belief systems. They are like weeds. They steal the willpower you need. To identify inner beliefs, start by asking what your inner critic usually says to you. That is a great place to begin.
2. Make it realistic, specific, and measurable. Determine the specific goal and what it will take to get there. Ask if the steps are realistic for the long term and for an ordinary Tuesday, including the mental wherewithal to survive criticism and a thin support system.
3. Write it down. You are 43% more likely to reach your goal if you write it down, according to a study at Dominican University. The most successful people write down their goals because it makes them clearer and more concrete.

What are you going to do next? I would love to hear your dreams for the year ahead.

If you struggle with unconscious beliefs and blocks, or you need strategy and accountability, it is helpful to work with a coach.

Building and maintaining self-love and confidence is an ongoing journey. To begin working with me, just click here.